I had a kid at 18 years old. I have always felt like a part of my child hood as been taken. I don't blame anyone but myself. My sins led me to it. A blessing came from it. My son Bryceton. But at 18, you may be called an adult, but really how adult are you? You think you know what is best but who do you run to when things get hard? Your parents.
They say somewhere around 1 in 4 teen moms will get pregnant again before they are 20. I was one of those statistics. I got pregnant, again at 19. I will be blunt. We used protection but it came off. I was devastated. I did NOT want another baby before I was 20. I wasnt married. I lived at home. I wanted a better life. But I do not (NOT NOT NOT) believe in abortion. So I got an apartment. I worked. I got bigger. A friend I had known for a long time, grew up beside, our moms were best friends, she told me she had a guy for me. I thought she must be joking as I was almost 6 months pregnant! But her cousin had moved here and he didn't know any body. So I said I would be his friend. He took me on a date. Dinner and a movie. He was very sweet! I admit I fell for him. It's rare to meet a genuinely nice guy but to meet one who accepts you with one child and one on the way, more rare.
Things moved faster than they should have but I knew he came from a good family. He had a son with his ex and I could see the love for him as he helped care for mine. When the baby was born, he was there. He moved in with me. He helped me care for him. Chandler that's what I named him. 7 pounds even and beautiful from head to toe.
I had worked since I was 16 so being a stay at home mom at age 20 to 2 kids, was a change. I went a little stir crazy and when my old boss called begging me to come work, I jumped. I asked my boyfriend, soon to be husband could I please. But the problem was, our sitter didn't watch newborns. So we agreed he would quit his job and stay with the boys. It was almost Christmas and I was working doubles a lot to bring in extra cash to pay the bills and give our boys a great Christmas.
My boyfriend and I we fought sometimes. I should have seen he was feeling how I had been feeling a few weeks before. But when you are young you don't see things so clearly. My mom, she hated him. I thought she was just being a mom. He never hit me. He never hit my kids. He was a good dad to them.
One night a Tuesday. January 7th 2003 because I will NEVER forget that date. I pulled a double. I didn't want to go home to a crying baby so me and 3 other girls decided to go eat at Fridays. When I came home our apartment was clean. VERY clean. I was shocked because it never was. He was too busy with the kids and I too busy with work. I was impressed and he said he wanted to surprise me. Chandler was laying on a blanket in the floor and Bryceton was in bed. I went to pick Chandler up and my boyfriend said, Careful I think his arm is sore. Bryceton fell on him while I was cleaning. That's what he told me. I was so young. So dumb. So trusting. I had no reason not to. I said, should we take him to the hospital? Not he assured me Chandler would be okay just be easy when I moved him. He said it wasn't broken and he would be fine. WHY to GOD did I listen?? Because you never want to believe anything bad about someone you love.
Days went by. I always tell this part if I tell it. Please don't think for one second tears are not pouring from my eyes as I type. 4 days. signs a mother should have noticed. But I didn't. I mean I did but I didn't fully understand. Chandler was a good baby. He rarely cried. But now, he cried all the time. He wouldn't eat. If he did he spit it up. If you picked him up he screamed. I thought he was constipated or colicky. One night (during the 4 nights) I held him to my chest and rocked him. As I was rocking him, his eyes rolled back. I remember cooing about how tired he was that he couldn't hold his eyes open. Being so dumb I didn't know what it really was. I didn't know. Seizures. That's what it was....
Saturday came. My mom always came to pick up the boys so I could work and my boyfriend could have a break. I told her about Bryceton falling on Chandler and how he had been acting. She said he felt warm. She carried a thermometer and he had fever! I said what do I do mom? She told me she would take him to the ER and I could go on to work and she would call me.
Before I made it to work she called. Come to the hospital she said. Bring your boyfriend. When I got there, police were there, my grandmother, my mom and step father. I was so confused. What is it?? The doctor came to explain. He called it head trauma. But I didn't know what that meant. I thought it was something he was born with. His uncle had been born with water on the brain so I thought that is what he meant when he said his brain was swollen and had fluid and blood. I thought how did they not see this?
No, said the doctor. This was caused. This was child abuse. Shaken Baby Syndrome. Had never heard of it and now I will Never forget that. Ever. Everything started happening so fast. Police took my boyfriend to question him. Then they took me. They had a tape recorder. They told me to tell them what happened. I said how Bryceton had fallen on him. They said this didn't happen from a toddler falling on him. I didn't understand. NO one I knew would do this. They told me either it was me or my boyfriend. I said they were nuts. They told me not to protect him. I swore I wasn't. I DEFENDED him. God it makes me sick. I honestly never thought it was true. They called him back again. I went to get Bryceton a snack. They wouldnt let me see Chandler.
When I came back, my mom and the police were talking, she came to me, with no tears only hatred. She said "Angela, he confessed" And I fell to my knees. My heart shattered not only for my child but the utter betrayal I felt. I saw them lead him out in handcuffs. I bawled as my mom repeated I knew I didnt like him. I told you there was something about him.
They flew Chandler to Little Rock. Where they told us he was going to die. I sat there, I couldn't stand to look at him. My baby he looked like a science project. He had wires from his head, his mouth, his chest his nose his arms. I still see him VERY clearly. I prepared myself for him to die. I prayed for God to ease his pain. I asked God why us?
My mom, she couldn't be there for me. She could only blame me. Like I wasn't blaming myself enough. She told me she was taking custody of Bryceton and if Chandler lived, him as well. She left me there. In Little Rock alone. Absolutely and utterly alone. With no car, (I had rode with her) no luggage, very little cash. maybe $40? I slept there alone one night. Bawling. Visiting Chandler when they allowed. His birth father and parents had came too but they had to leave. His birth father hadn't even known he had been born until this.
I called my ex's parents to come get me. I didn't know what else to do. I was emotionally scarred and mentally damaged. My mom came back to the hospital and took Chandler home. He survived but barely. He lost the whole left side of his brain. He would never walk, talk, play, or anything other than sit at his 3 month old state. Yes he was only 3 months old.
My mom kept her word and took the boys. I lost myself in drinking and staying out as much as I could. I couldn't be in that house. I couldn't look at him knowing I hadn't done my number 1 job as a mother, protect my baby.
I kept replaying it over and over. If only I hadnt worked, had gotten a sitter, hadn't went to eat that night, had taken him to the hospital. Either way I felt I was to blame. I finally had to move out of my moms because of the guilt I felt. I had NO support around me. No one got me help, medication, asked if I was okay. I even had my own mother ask me if I did it....My own mother! My boyfriend wrote me from jail. Telling me how the police were lying to me that he didnt confess that he loved me and the boys and would never hurt us. How I need to believe him. I wanted to look him in the eye and confront him. The police had recorded his confession. I wanted to ask him why he did it. My mom made it clear that if I EVER went to see him she would make sure I never got Bryceton back. She had already made it clear I would never get Chandler back.
So my mom raised his, learning his meds, his therapy, his needs. And I stayed away. I didn't know what else to do. I was just a kid! A year later my mom gave me back Bryceton but not Chandler. He went to a special needs daycare where my mom met his nurse Sandra. Sandra loved Chandler so much and she knew how to care for him. When my mom got sick with Leukemia Sandra and her husband took Chandler for my mom. She never asked me. Sandra kept Chandler sometimes for weeks when my mom was doing Chemo. My mom confided in me should she not make it, she wanted Sandra to care for Chandler.
Of course you know she didn't make it. Sandra asked me if I would come to the lawyers office and allow her and her husband to raise Chandler. I hadn't a clue how to care for him. At this time I had a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and pregnant again. I prayed and thought about the best thing for Chandler. Sandra told me how their only child, a 9 year old son, had asked to give his room to Chandler while he slept on the couch. That touched me to see this family that could give him the love, and care, and time he deserved and more. Both had very good jobs. Sandra was still Chandler's nurse at the day care. She knew his therapy routine, his meds, and what to do for emergencies. I made the only logical decision. Not just for Chandler but for my other kids too. I couldn't have given Chandler the attention and time he needs and still been a mother to them too.
Don't think it was easy to do it was hard. It is still hard. The ONLY thing that gives me comfort about it is knowing he is where my mom wanted him to be and with someone who loves him as their own. I think of him often. Especially in times like tonight. I made a comment about sick people who wanted to abort their baby because it had down syndrome. I was given this remark tonight from someone I considered to be a friend, someone I had confided in: " People should think about what they say when they did something similar, just saying"
I REFUSE to be compared to having an abortion. I had no control of what happened. I wish every day I could change it but I can't. I try to move on from it, but every where I go EVERY piece of TRASH person that doesn't know me or know how it feels to be me, brings it up. Mostly to hurt me. Michael did it. Kadence's father did it, a girl I didn't like in high school did it, and now this immature spiteful girl.
They always blame me " You let some guy shake your baby" You moved some guy in. You gave your baby away because he was disabled" etc. NONE of that is true. I didn't "LET" anything happen and I made no more of a mistake than anyone else who has ever been in love. Just because we weren't married didn't make it happen. How many people get divorced after 20 or 30 years because their husband or wife are gay? How many kids grow up to tell how daddy or uncle or grandpa molested them and NO ONE ever knew.
I have suffered a lot. I have been broken. No one CARED about me. No one asked if I was okay. I briefly sought therapy at UAFS and she couldn't believe I had never had therapy or medication before. She couldn't believe I was still going strong through all of this eating away at me on the inside. I didn't just lose my son, I lost my love. My trust was broken, my spirit. But God showed me I am NOT to blame. I REFUSE to be blamed. HE will answer to God one day and so will each of you who have judged me. Because you can say what you want about my decision but I did what I felt was right. I will not back down I will not be bullied.
YOU never know what you will do in a given situation until you are put there. And God willing each person who has ever cast an ill word about me and this situation never will have to face this! No parent or person or child ever should. But don't JUDGE me. A real friend never would.
So I am taking this time to thank you Lord for opening my eyes to this spiteful vindictive person and her serpent tongue. And I pray to you Lord that you will give me courage to face her in public and not feel shamed. In no WAY is this the same as having an abortion. And I didn't give him up because of who he is but because of who I want him to be and that is cared for in the BEST way possible. I did it FOR him not because of him. I love him and my heart hurts but I will carry on for my other kids need me. I ask any one you reading this to pray for me as I have been dealing with this for 10 years. Thank you.
Chandler's Hospital Picture. Isn't he Beautiful?
Chandler after his first of many surgeries. This was after they took out all the tubes but his iv and feeding tube. The drilled a hole in his tiny head to relieve the pressure of fluid.
Chandler after yet another one of his many trips to Little Rock and many surgeries.
Chandler and his nana (my mom) He loved her so much!!!
Chandler and his nurse now mother Sandra. Can you see the love she has for him? I know I made the right choice she has helped raise him from a baby and he is where he belongs.
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