Taco Tuesday

Well seems I have some more to write about yay! Now that Blaine is gone and I can't sleep at night I have plenty of time to blog away lol.

Tuesdays at our house (thanks to Andrea) are Taco Tuesdays lol. Yes EVERY tuesday we have tacos. The kids are growing tired of it lol. Well Saturday my dad gave me some money, or rather loaned as I have to pay it back to get some household things and kids Easter. Oh maybe I already said that last blog. Anywho today and tomorrow is Kids eat free at Chili's. So I decided I would take the left over and take them to Chili's and finish my Easter shopping. I was very sneaky in this hee hee and I got those reusable shopping bags and hid everything in there. Bryceton took the girls down the aisle so no one could see what I grabbed it was fun!

After Chilli's we went to the park but had to leave because the bathrooms were locked and Isabella wet her pants trying to go behind a bush lol but I told them if they were good we would go back this weekend!

Isabella got some new girly "odorment" lol and fed her "chicken scabs" to the cat! I LOVE LOVE LOVE when kids say things wrong. It's just so cute and funny. I wish I carried a pad and pen to write down all the things they say wrong all the time. I just don't want to forget them.

Jessica and I are discussing taking the kids to the kite flight this weekend. I don't know that's just too many kids bobbing about causing devastation, lol. We really need to think about it but we probably will! Just to get them out of the house and have some fun. Can you have bikes there?

Any way Blaine takes his CDL in the morning. I am really praying he passes on the first try and he can get out and get some money coming in! I am ready to have bills paid and get the kids some things for the yard now that they are finally ALL getting old enough to play outside without getting by the ditch. Sam's club has some awesome things like a wooden play house and a small trampoline I want to get them. Also a sandbox yay!! With a lid of course. Don't want them getting cat turds in there lol.

So here are some pics from today and their Easter buckets. I don't have a bucket for Bryceton because I thought his was in the closet from last year with the girls but he took it outside and put frogs and crawl daddys and stuff in it and it's gone now so I will get him one before next weekend!

Have a great week!Bryceton's stuff.

Kadence's stuff

Isabella's Stuff




Olivia's Stuff.

Spring Break is OVER!

Thank you Lord! I mean I love my kids I really do and if they weren't always fighting or crying over silly things I could never get enough time with them. But sometimes enough is enough. lol! Especially thanks to the rain for keeping us all trapped indoors last week.

I was very grateful for things to return to our new norm. They were happy too! They missed their friends and their daily routines.

Well let's see I said I would try to write weekly but it's hard if nothing is going on. The rain kept us indoors and bored. We watched movies and the girls played (by played I mean fought). We spring cleaned and on Friday I met up with my sort of new friend Jessica. I mean we have known each other on facebook for over a year or 2 but never really just hung out. So we took the kids to lunch and the park. Then to Sonic for slushes. They had a good time. Poor Jessica and I trying to keep our eyes on 7 kids at the park though haha wore us out.

Saturday I went to my dads because he gave me some money to get some things for the kids for Easter since Blaine still isn't getting paid. Also needed some things for the house like cat litter and such. Glad he is willing to help out even if he did complain! haha. I just wanted to have a few things for the kids buckets besides candy. Wal-mart had SEVERAL things for just $1!!! I didn't get to get them new Easter dresses this year, but luckily the ones I bought them last year still fit so they can wear those to church.

My dad has also told Bryceton he would take him fishing so Bryceton stayed the night there and the girls and I did our grocery and household shopping. VERY hard still because those 3 are the worst behaved but I figured if I have to do it on my own and no one to help then I better just suck it up and do it. The people staring at the mom pushing a cart with 3 girls hanging off it in some way will just have to get over it.

Speaking of at the checkout one day this guy I mean he had to be a kid, like 18, saw the kids all going nuts and was like wow I feel so sorry for you and I was like yeah I know. Then he goes and I don't see a ring, so I really feel bad for you! SHUT the front door this kid did not just say that! I have a BAD habit of leaving my wedding ring home. It always scratches the kids or pinches when I carry a lot of groceries so sometimes I just leave it...I thought that was a pretty rude assumption lol but whatever.

So that about sums up our week. Looking forward to the next couple of weeks because Blaine is in Missouri now getting ready to take his CDL. Once he passes that he will start getting paid! Also I should have just a tiny bit of school money coming in in a few weeks. Not much since I am almost maxed out and since the "semesters" are 6 weeks here but enough that I am thinking of taking the kids to Tulsa for a weekend get a way and a zoo trip. I may have to recruit some help though lol.

Otherwise I have been pretty much keeping to myself in the house. I just feel really down and depressed and don't really want to talk to anyone. I feel very disappointed with how things are going I honestly thought I would have more help or people visiting but it's been the worst and loneliest month of my life so again I feel like if this is how it's going to be then I just need to get used to it now. If I am alone and made it through the hardest part (the first few weeks) then I can be alone and make it through the rest. I just hope it hurries because I miss him so much.

So that is about it I guess!! See you all next week and have a great week!

Bryceton is 11!!!

I really need to do better keeping up with this blog. I always say that I am going to, but life gets the best of me and I find myself back here months later saying the same thing lol.

So it is now my goal to publish weekly blogs. I may have more to say now that Blaine is out on the road. I want to keep these precious memories for the kids and let it all out when I need to (Like my last blog). So with that, Here's some highlights from the past couple of weeks.

Blaine left in February to a truck driving school in Missouri. It isn't ideal for us but with not many factory jobs here to choose from we feel it's what we have to do right now. I know God has a plan and we feel led here so we will see where it goes from here. So far I have cried more in the last month than the last year. Learning how to adjust to an empty bed, a clean bathroom, and a quiet house after the kids have gone to bed is a big challenge. Blaine has been my BEST friend for the past 6 years and I don't really know what to do with myself without him here. I try to stay busy, cleaning, working, projects from pinterest (Thank you Pinterest!!!) but my friends, they are pretty much busy all the time and I just feel very alone. I know I will get through it though but I just wish Blaine was here. I never realized how much I need and rely on him until I am crying in the frozen food aisle at Wal-mart because the kids are running a muck and no one will help me.

We have been going to New Life Church in Fort Smith and it is awesome! I am so glad my friend Melenna invited us. I feel it's just what I have been needing. Small (but growing fast) very friendly, caring, and involved! I have already gotten a letter from the pastor a phone call from a member, and several new acquaintances which I hope to turn into friends as I get to know them :) Would be really great to go to play dates, have an intimate prayer session, and just have some girl time. The kids are loving it as well :)

Last week Bryceton turned 11! Man it seems like only yesterday I brought him home. I know I was young and it was unplanned but I don't think anything is really unplanned as everything is in God's plan. I am so thankful he chose me to be Bryceton's mom. Being a young mom has definitely taught me a lot and prepared me to be the mother I am today.

He didn't have a birthday party this year as he was grounded for making a rude comment to some younger boys at school. I don't tolerate bullying or spiteful behavior and that he knows. So that was his punishment as well as apologizing. It's the first year I have done this but hopefully he remembers it in the future. I did get him a cake and a few gifts. Even if he misbehaves I love him and am proud of him.

Madison turned 8 the day after Bryceton's birthday! It really hurts that I couldn't be there. I just have to keep telling myself to be patient and it will work out in the end. I just wish time would fly so that she will be old enough to understand how much I love her, want her, and fought for her. If I had the money I would fight every day. Thats another reason Blaine took this job. To give me the best chance to have her back home where she belongs.

Anyway it's spring break now so who knows what the week will hold! I am terrified of having the kids all week by myself with no break but it will be good practice for the summer when Madison is here. I just wish I had the funds to take them to do something besides the park or sit in the house. I will try to think of some things we can do though :)

Hope everyone else has a lovely spring break too!

REFUSE TO BE PUT DOWN

This blog has to be said. These things have to be told. I will not be put down about this. I will not tolerate it. Some of you are about to find out things you didn't know. You may be shocked. Some are going to read things they heard but never understood. You never will. Some know and support me all the same. I owe them everything.

I had a kid at 18 years old. I have always felt like a part of my child hood as been taken. I don't blame anyone but myself. My sins led me to it. A blessing came from it. My son Bryceton. But at 18, you may be called an adult, but really how adult are you? You think you know what is best but who do you run to when things get hard? Your parents.

They say somewhere around 1 in 4 teen moms will get pregnant again before they are 20. I was one of those statistics. I got pregnant, again at 19. I will be blunt. We used protection but it came off. I was devastated. I did NOT want another baby before I was 20. I wasnt married. I lived at home. I wanted a better life. But I do not (NOT NOT NOT) believe in abortion. So I got an apartment. I worked. I got bigger. A friend I had known for a long time, grew up beside, our moms were best friends, she told me she had a guy for me. I thought she must be joking as I was almost 6 months pregnant! But her cousin had moved here and he didn't know any body. So I said I would be his friend. He took me on a date. Dinner and a movie. He was very sweet! I admit I fell for him. It's rare to meet a genuinely nice guy but to meet one who accepts you with one child and one on the way, more rare.

Things moved faster than they should have but I knew he came from a good family. He had a son with his ex and I could see the love for him as he helped care for mine. When the baby was born, he was there. He moved in with me. He helped me care for him. Chandler that's what I named him. 7 pounds even and beautiful from head to toe.

I had worked since I was 16 so being a stay at home mom at age 20 to 2 kids, was a change. I went a little stir crazy and when my old boss called begging me to come work, I jumped. I asked my boyfriend, soon to be husband could I please. But the problem was, our sitter didn't watch newborns. So we agreed he would quit his job and stay with the boys. It was almost Christmas and I was working doubles a lot to bring in extra cash to pay the bills and give our boys a great Christmas.

My boyfriend and I we fought sometimes. I should have seen he was feeling how I had been feeling a few weeks before. But when you are young you don't see things so clearly. My mom, she hated him. I thought she was just being a mom. He never hit me. He never hit my kids. He was a good dad to them.

One night a Tuesday. January 7th 2003 because I will NEVER forget that date. I pulled a double. I didn't want to go home to a crying baby so me and 3 other girls decided to go eat at Fridays. When I came home our apartment was clean. VERY clean. I was shocked because it never was. He was too busy with the kids and I too busy with work. I was impressed and he said he wanted to surprise me. Chandler was laying on a blanket in the floor and Bryceton was in bed. I went to pick Chandler up and my boyfriend said, Careful I think his arm is sore. Bryceton fell on him while I was cleaning. That's what he told me. I was so young. So dumb. So trusting. I had no reason not to. I said, should we take him to the hospital? Not he assured me Chandler would be okay just be easy when I moved him. He said it wasn't broken and he would be fine. WHY to GOD did I listen?? Because you never want to believe anything bad about someone you love.

Days went by. I always tell this part if I tell it. Please don't think for one second tears are not pouring from my eyes as I type. 4 days. signs a mother should have noticed. But I didn't. I mean I did but I didn't fully understand. Chandler was a good baby. He rarely cried. But now, he cried all the time. He wouldn't eat. If he did he spit it up. If you picked him up he screamed. I thought he was constipated or colicky. One night (during the 4 nights) I held him to my chest and rocked him. As I was rocking him, his eyes rolled back. I remember cooing about how tired he was that he couldn't hold his eyes open. Being so dumb I didn't know what it really was. I didn't know. Seizures. That's what it was....

Saturday came. My mom always came to pick up the boys so I could work and my boyfriend could have a break. I told her about Bryceton falling on Chandler and how he had been acting. She said he felt warm. She carried a thermometer and he had fever! I said what do I do mom? She told me she would take him to the ER and I could go on to work and she would call me.

Before I made it to work she called. Come to the hospital she said. Bring your boyfriend. When I got there, police were there, my grandmother, my mom and step father. I was so confused. What is it?? The doctor came to explain. He called it head trauma. But I didn't know what that meant. I thought it was something he was born with. His uncle had been born with water on the brain so I thought that is what he meant when he said his brain was swollen and had fluid and blood. I thought how did they not see this?

No, said the doctor. This was caused. This was child abuse. Shaken Baby Syndrome. Had never heard of it and now I will Never forget that. Ever. Everything started happening so fast. Police took my boyfriend to question him. Then they took me. They had a tape recorder. They told me to tell them what happened. I said how Bryceton had fallen on him. They said this didn't happen from a toddler falling on him. I didn't understand. NO one I knew would do this. They told me either it was me or my boyfriend. I said they were nuts. They told me not to protect him. I swore I wasn't. I DEFENDED him. God it makes me sick. I honestly never thought it was true. They called him back again. I went to get Bryceton a snack. They wouldnt let me see Chandler.

When I came back, my mom and the police were talking, she came to me, with no tears only hatred. She said "Angela, he confessed" And I fell to my knees. My heart shattered not only for my child but the utter betrayal I felt. I saw them lead him out in handcuffs. I bawled as my mom repeated I knew I didnt like him. I told you there was something about him.

They flew Chandler to Little Rock. Where they told us he was going to die. I sat there, I couldn't stand to look at him. My baby he looked like a science project. He had wires from his head, his mouth, his chest his nose his arms. I still see him VERY clearly. I prepared myself for him to die. I prayed for God to ease his pain. I asked God why us?

My mom, she couldn't be there for me. She could only blame me. Like I wasn't blaming myself enough. She told me she was taking custody of Bryceton and if Chandler lived, him as well. She left me there. In Little Rock alone. Absolutely and utterly alone. With no car, (I had rode with her) no luggage, very little cash. maybe $40? I slept there alone one night. Bawling. Visiting Chandler when they allowed. His birth father and parents had came too but they had to leave. His birth father hadn't even known he had been born until this.

I called my ex's parents to come get me. I didn't know what else to do. I was emotionally scarred and mentally damaged. My mom came back to the hospital and took Chandler home. He survived but barely. He lost the whole left side of his brain. He would never walk, talk, play, or anything other than sit at his 3 month old state. Yes he was only 3 months old.

My mom kept her word and took the boys. I lost myself in drinking and staying out as much as I could. I couldn't be in that house. I couldn't look at him knowing I hadn't done my number 1 job as a mother, protect my baby.

I kept replaying it over and over. If only I hadnt worked, had gotten a sitter, hadn't went to eat that night, had taken him to the hospital. Either way I felt I was to blame. I finally had to move out of my moms because of the guilt I felt. I had NO support around me. No one got me help, medication, asked if I was okay. I even had my own mother ask me if I did it....My own mother! My boyfriend wrote me from jail. Telling me how the police were lying to me that he didnt confess that he loved me and the boys and would never hurt us. How I need to believe him. I wanted to look him in the eye and confront him. The police had recorded his confession. I wanted to ask him why he did it. My mom made it clear that if I EVER went to see him she would make sure I never got Bryceton back. She had already made it clear I would never get Chandler back.

So my mom raised his, learning his meds, his therapy, his needs. And I stayed away. I didn't know what else to do. I was just a kid! A year later my mom gave me back Bryceton but not Chandler. He went to a special needs daycare where my mom met his nurse Sandra. Sandra loved Chandler so much and she knew how to care for him. When my mom got sick with Leukemia Sandra and her husband took Chandler for my mom. She never asked me. Sandra kept Chandler sometimes for weeks when my mom was doing Chemo. My mom confided in me should she not make it, she wanted Sandra to care for Chandler.

Of course you know she didn't make it. Sandra asked me if I would come to the lawyers office and allow her and her husband to raise Chandler. I hadn't a clue how to care for him. At this time I had a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and pregnant again. I prayed and thought about the best thing for Chandler. Sandra told me how their only child, a 9 year old son, had asked to give his room to Chandler while he slept on the couch. That touched me to see this family that could give him the love, and care, and time he deserved and more. Both had very good jobs. Sandra was still Chandler's nurse at the day care. She knew his therapy routine, his meds, and what to do for emergencies. I made the only logical decision. Not just for Chandler but for my other kids too. I couldn't have given Chandler the attention and time he needs and still been a mother to them too.

Don't think it was easy to do it was hard. It is still hard. The ONLY thing that gives me comfort about it is knowing he is where my mom wanted him to be and with someone who loves him as their own. I think of him often. Especially in times like tonight. I made a comment about sick people who wanted to abort their baby because it had down syndrome. I was given this remark tonight from someone I considered to be a friend, someone I had confided in: " People should think about what they say when they did something similar, just saying"

I REFUSE to be compared to having an abortion. I had no control of what happened. I wish every day I could change it but I can't. I try to move on from it, but every where I go EVERY piece of TRASH person that doesn't know me or know how it feels to be me, brings it up. Mostly to hurt me. Michael did it. Kadence's father did it, a girl I didn't like in high school did it, and now this immature spiteful girl.

They always blame me " You let some guy shake your baby" You moved some guy in. You gave your baby away because he was disabled" etc. NONE of that is true. I didn't "LET" anything happen and I made no more of a mistake than anyone else who has ever been in love. Just because we weren't married didn't make it happen. How many people get divorced after 20 or 30 years because their husband or wife are gay? How many kids grow up to tell how daddy or uncle or grandpa molested them and NO ONE ever knew.

I have suffered a lot. I have been broken. No one CARED about me. No one asked if I was okay. I briefly sought therapy at UAFS and she couldn't believe I had never had therapy or medication before. She couldn't believe I was still going strong through all of this eating away at me on the inside. I didn't just lose my son, I lost my love. My trust was broken, my spirit. But God showed me I am NOT to blame. I REFUSE to be blamed. HE will answer to God one day and so will each of you who have judged me. Because you can say what you want about my decision but I did what I felt was right. I will not back down I will not be bullied.

YOU never know what you will do in a given situation until you are put there. And God willing each person who has ever cast an ill word about me and this situation never will have to face this! No parent or person or child ever should. But don't JUDGE me. A real friend never would.

So I am taking this time to thank you Lord for opening my eyes to this spiteful vindictive person and her serpent tongue. And I pray to you Lord that you will give me courage to face her in public and not feel shamed. In no WAY is this the same as having an abortion. And I didn't give him up because of who he is but because of who I want him to be and that is cared for in the BEST way possible. I did it FOR him not because of him. I love him and my heart hurts but I will carry on for my other kids need me. I ask any one you reading this to pray for me as I have been dealing with this for 10 years. Thank you.


Chandler's Hospital Picture. Isn't he Beautiful?



Chandler after his first of many surgeries. This was after they took out all the tubes but his iv and feeding tube. The drilled a hole in his tiny head to relieve the pressure of fluid.


Chandler after yet another one of his many trips to Little Rock and many surgeries.



Chandler and his nana (my mom) He loved her so much!!!

Chandler and his nurse now mother Sandra. Can you see the love she has for him? I know I made the right choice she has helped raise him from a baby and he is where he belongs.