Early Christmas Weekend

Well since this year is Michael’s Christmas time with the kids, we decided to do ours this weekend rather than wait until the weekend after Christmas. Thanks to all the people who helped us out, we were able to get the kids plenty of stuff. We mostly shopped at Big Lots and let me tell you people if you have never been there, you should go because their stuff is way cheaper than Wal-mart and Toys R Us. So we were able to get more for our buck! I have only been there once, but I know I will be going back from now on at birthday time and Christmas. Michael got Bryceton and Madison a giant Grave Digger Monster truck power wheels there for almost $100 cheaper than Wal-mart had it for. I can’t wait until they see it! I hope he takes pictures. I took tons of pictures, as always, and will post a lot here. Blaine and I didn’t get each other anything because we wanted to spend every penny on the kids. I was so excited because of everyone’s help, and spirit, that I put the tree up too. I got up at 3 am so that is was up and going before they got there Friday morning. I dressed them up in their good Christmas clothes, and tried to get some good pictures of them in front of the tree. Ha ha. I will never be able to be a photographer. When 2 were looking, one wasn’t. We all 3 were looking one closed their eyes. When 2 smiled, one didn’t. It was very hard to get them all 3 looking/smiling at the same time. Ugh. I am just glad it’s over with.School school school. I passed all of my finals, and I have a final grade of A in every class but math. She hasn’t emailed me what I got yet. I know it’s either an A or B, but I am really anxious  because I would LOVE to have all A’s. All A’s and 1 B is good too, but still. I worked hard this semester, and I want it to show. I am out until January 10th. Nothing but lazing around the house is what I have planned. We go to court Jan 2nd, then Jan 3rd is my ultrasound to see if it’s an Isabella or an Abel. Blaine’s work is being a jerk again. I wish we could afford for him to quit and find a different job. They keep running out of things to do, so they sent everyone home early Thursday, and they didn’t work at all Friday. This was the whole reason we got behind on our bills in the first place. We have a tight budget, and when he doesn’t get a full 40 hours, it kills us. It won’t be so bad once we get some of our bills paid, but if this keeps up through January, we will be so behind again that we will have to use my loan money to get caught up rather than pay them off. And that sucks. And it would mean we couldn’t go to Louisiana at the end of January to have a late Christmas with Blaine’s family. They always come up here and we have only went there like once. Well I guess that’s about it. So here are 389434885405 pictures. Enjoy!!! And to you people that helped us, look at the smiles you put on their faces. <3

God's Miracles

So I am doing so so so much better, for those of you who care. It’s funny how when times get hard, you get to see who your true friends are. Those that were there to simply listen, I appreciate. Those who went beyond theirselves and their current  problems to help me with mine, I appreciate even more. Jodi Jodi Jodi, what would I do without you? I would be a mess that’s what. Do you know while everyone was off in their little world, concerned only with numero uno, Jodi asked everyone she could think of to help me and my family. Her church took up an offering for us to help with our overwhelming bills. She didn’t have to ask them to do that. We don’t go to her church, they don’t know us, but they helped us anyway. I cried when she called and told me what she had done. And like that, other miracles started to happen. Blaine’s grandmother sent us some more money for our bills, and when she heard how upset Blaine was, feeling he had let me and the kids down because we couldn’t get them not ONE thing for Christmas, not even after the help from Jodi or his grandmother, she said she is sending us a Wal-mart gift card to take and spend on the kids for Christmas. Blaine cried at that. Then yesterday, my step-dad came by, and he gave us some money too. I think we have to pay him back when my loan comes in, but I’m not sure. sometimes people say ok you can pay me back when you insist, then when it comes down to it, they won’t take it back. But if we do or don’t I am thankful because now we can pay ALL our bills that are due this week, and pay our lawyer that is due Jan 2. Jodi’s mom is coming up here Thursday to bring me the money, and a basket of stuff she put together for us. I will never know how to repay them.I have so much to be thankful for.

And for an update, I passed my math and psychology finals, still have 3 more to go. This is great news. I hope I do well on the other ones. They started on our house last week. Poured the foundation Friday, and that’s the last I heard. If the rain will stay away, it will be done sooner than March. And some of you might be thinking, oh they can’t pay their bills but they can build a house. First off the loan payment will be cheaper than our rent, and second it isn’t costing us ONE penny upfront, no closing costs, nothing. Well except the whirlpool tub, but that will be paid for with our income tax. I have being feeling the little flutters of our child, but tonight, for the first time I SAW them. I was laying in the bathtub, and I saw my belly going crazy. It was beautiful. I felt it too, but it was great to see it because that means now Blaine can see and feel it too. I cannot wait until Jan 3rd!!! I am excited to see what it is. 

Jodi, thank you again, so much,and your mom and your church. Someday I will repay you guys for your kindness when we needed it most. If there is ever anything I can do for you or your family, please don’t hesitate to ask. And you are the only person who called me that day you read my blog, to see if I was ok, and that made me feel really good to know someone cared so much.

Everyone have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the miracles of God everyday. Whether it be a helping hand, a friendly ear, a new baby, or a family to love you. You just really don’t know how lucky you are until you have nothing at all.....

Nervous Breakdown

I seriously feel a nervous breakdown coming on. I don’t know what to do, who to talk to, or how to stop the way I feel. For the past 3 weeks every little thing gets on my nerves. Blaine, the kids, my friends, my family, strangers in wal-mart, the tv, even myself. Is it really possible to get on your own nerves? And I don’t feel like there is anyone I can turn to. No one understands what I am going through. And the 2 people I usually talk to, while they are good listeners, and I know they have their own problems, they can’t begin to comprehend what it is like to have 3 kids, a husband, have to take care of all the bills, and try to go to school. And with the last 2 weeks of school approaching, they are really laying on the homework. Why is that? We have worked our butts off all year. Why start now with the biggest papers, and hardest tests? Some Christmas present.

 Not to mention that I am so stressed over bills I have a migraine all day every day. Seriously. They hurt so bad  that it makes me sick to my stomach. So we are broke. More broke than I have ever been in my life. We took on too much when we got the new vehicle. But what were we supposed to do? The van is broke. We had to have a car. Let me list the bills for you guys. So you can really see how broke we are!
RENT: 480
CABLE: 38
CAR: 300
INSURANCE: 82
ELECTRIC: 100 to 160
PHONE: 120
INTERNET: 45
WASHER N DRYER: 135
COUCHES: 150
CREDIT CARD: 20
LOAN REPAYMENT: 100
Total damage: $1470 a month
So there you have it. And that doesn’t cover things we buy a lot like laundry soap, dish washing soap, trash bags,diapers, wipes, tp, deodorant, shampoo, dryer sheets,toothpaste, cleaning supplies and all that. 

We can’t buy the kids not ONE thing for Christmas. OH, and we still owe the lawyer 190 bucks that has to be paid before court, which is Jan 2nd. And we can’t ever pay our rent on time so we always have to pay 35 extra bucks in late fees. I don’t know what to do. Michael paid our last car payment, and my dad paid our last electric bill. I hate owing people money, or having to ask for money, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. So you can see how stressed I am. Then when I try to talk to people about it, they tell me how broke they are too. All the while going shopping, to movies, to bars, getting their hair done, bowling, tanning, eating out a lot, taking trips, getting their pictures done....just EVERYTHING! And that just angers me. We have ate mac n cheese 3 days in a row, while they say how broke they are on their way to outback or something. Or talking about all the Christmas shopping they are doing. I’ll admit it, I’m bitter. Don’t tell me you are broke, until you have to beg for money to pay your electric bill. I know everything is going to be okay, and I try to tell myself we will make it through. It’s just so hard right now. I have become anti-social. I go to class, I come home. I don’t call people I don’t visit people, I never want to get out of the house. And when I feel like I am about to explode, and I need a friend, maybe to talk to ...you know sometimes to just unload all your feelings on an open ear is all you need, well they are too busy with their more important friends, and can’t even call you back when they say they will. 

I can’t even talk to Blaine any more. He’s so wrapped up in WOW, that he doesn’t notice I am really going through something. And it makes it that much harder that everyone is doing  family stuff, shopping with their mom, eating with their mom, decorating with their mom....and they don’t even know how lucky they are to have their mom. This isn’t my first Christmas without my mom, last year was. But it was still so new then, that it didn’t affect me much because I was still numb. This year has been much harder than last. Especially when you have 5 minutes that she isn’t on your mind, and someone comes up to you and says, "Hey, how ya doing? How’s your mom?" And it’s not their fault, they didn’t know, but it opens those wounds again, and you kinda just want to say She’s dead ok! That’s how she is. I’m just so sick of everything, everyone. I want to run away. Run away to a place where no one wants a drink, or something to eat, or a diaper changed or a bottle or bath. No one tells on someone else every 5 minutes. No one is inconsiderate of my feelings and my responsibilities, because where I want to go, I’ll have none. I don’t have to raise 4 children, when I have 3, making sure my 23 year old husband has clean underwear, is fed, and not late for work. I don’t have to remind this person who is supposed to be my partner, my helper, that so and so has an appointment at this time, and he needs to get a ride to work. I don’t have to ask him everyday for a week did he get a ride. Did he call his dad back? I don’t have to tell him where he put his belt, wallet, keys, phones, grandfather’s number. In my special place, I won’t have to go to a doctor’s office alone because HE hates the waiting. Let me just add how much I love sitting in a waiting room or office for 3 hours. PFFTTT! And you know what, none of my friends ever say "hey, let me take the kids off your hands so you can have a day to yourself, or to be alone with your husband." I think it is very sad that my ex has watched my kids more than any of my friends. I mean, if I didn’t have kids, or just had one, I would try to help my friends out. Even once every 6 months would be a treat. I know I am the one that had the kids, but most people have family to help. I have even offered some people that had their first baby if they ever needed a break, to let me know. Cuz I have been there ya know? I know this blog is just all over the place, but I am in the biggest ’I don’t give a crap about anything’ mood. Some people have their parents to help out with their kids. That’s nice. I wish I did. My dad doesn’t change diapers, and in his own words, "He’s not a babysitter" Then he wonders why I never come around. My grandmother is poor health, my aunts, uncles and cousins all hate me. Because I have 3 kids! Oh no! Yet they can have kids and not know who the father is. One of my cousins lives completely on welfare and does drugs. Another of my cousins slept with his older brothers wife, and his mom caught him smoking at 16 and huffing gas. So she hates me more than any family member. I don’t know what I did to make them all hate me. Perhaps because I have always worked for everything I got?.. Perhaps I have been in one bad relationship after another? Perhaps because I graduated high school, even though I was pregnant and then had a son, and didn’t become a statistic? Perhaps because I do what I have to to take care of my kids? Perhaps because I have never done drugs? Oh  I know! It’s that I live on my own, and  go to college, and take care of my kids, instead of bumming off my parents, or wasting my life away working at Burger King!

So be lucky you have family to help you take care of your family. To be there for you when times get rough, or to have someone to talk to, who understands everything you are going through. I hope you guys all have a great Christmas. Sorry I just let it all out here, but I had no one else.....I am disabling my comments because I don’t want to hear how you guys are broke too, or know what it’s like, or it will get better because right now, they only person I want to think about is me, and my family, and what I am going to do.