Nervous Breakdown

I seriously feel a nervous breakdown coming on. I don’t know what to do, who to talk to, or how to stop the way I feel. For the past 3 weeks every little thing gets on my nerves. Blaine, the kids, my friends, my family, strangers in wal-mart, the tv, even myself. Is it really possible to get on your own nerves? And I don’t feel like there is anyone I can turn to. No one understands what I am going through. And the 2 people I usually talk to, while they are good listeners, and I know they have their own problems, they can’t begin to comprehend what it is like to have 3 kids, a husband, have to take care of all the bills, and try to go to school. And with the last 2 weeks of school approaching, they are really laying on the homework. Why is that? We have worked our butts off all year. Why start now with the biggest papers, and hardest tests? Some Christmas present.

 Not to mention that I am so stressed over bills I have a migraine all day every day. Seriously. They hurt so bad  that it makes me sick to my stomach. So we are broke. More broke than I have ever been in my life. We took on too much when we got the new vehicle. But what were we supposed to do? The van is broke. We had to have a car. Let me list the bills for you guys. So you can really see how broke we are!
RENT: 480
CABLE: 38
CAR: 300
INSURANCE: 82
ELECTRIC: 100 to 160
PHONE: 120
INTERNET: 45
WASHER N DRYER: 135
COUCHES: 150
CREDIT CARD: 20
LOAN REPAYMENT: 100
Total damage: $1470 a month
So there you have it. And that doesn’t cover things we buy a lot like laundry soap, dish washing soap, trash bags,diapers, wipes, tp, deodorant, shampoo, dryer sheets,toothpaste, cleaning supplies and all that. 

We can’t buy the kids not ONE thing for Christmas. OH, and we still owe the lawyer 190 bucks that has to be paid before court, which is Jan 2nd. And we can’t ever pay our rent on time so we always have to pay 35 extra bucks in late fees. I don’t know what to do. Michael paid our last car payment, and my dad paid our last electric bill. I hate owing people money, or having to ask for money, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. So you can see how stressed I am. Then when I try to talk to people about it, they tell me how broke they are too. All the while going shopping, to movies, to bars, getting their hair done, bowling, tanning, eating out a lot, taking trips, getting their pictures done....just EVERYTHING! And that just angers me. We have ate mac n cheese 3 days in a row, while they say how broke they are on their way to outback or something. Or talking about all the Christmas shopping they are doing. I’ll admit it, I’m bitter. Don’t tell me you are broke, until you have to beg for money to pay your electric bill. I know everything is going to be okay, and I try to tell myself we will make it through. It’s just so hard right now. I have become anti-social. I go to class, I come home. I don’t call people I don’t visit people, I never want to get out of the house. And when I feel like I am about to explode, and I need a friend, maybe to talk to ...you know sometimes to just unload all your feelings on an open ear is all you need, well they are too busy with their more important friends, and can’t even call you back when they say they will. 

I can’t even talk to Blaine any more. He’s so wrapped up in WOW, that he doesn’t notice I am really going through something. And it makes it that much harder that everyone is doing  family stuff, shopping with their mom, eating with their mom, decorating with their mom....and they don’t even know how lucky they are to have their mom. This isn’t my first Christmas without my mom, last year was. But it was still so new then, that it didn’t affect me much because I was still numb. This year has been much harder than last. Especially when you have 5 minutes that she isn’t on your mind, and someone comes up to you and says, "Hey, how ya doing? How’s your mom?" And it’s not their fault, they didn’t know, but it opens those wounds again, and you kinda just want to say She’s dead ok! That’s how she is. I’m just so sick of everything, everyone. I want to run away. Run away to a place where no one wants a drink, or something to eat, or a diaper changed or a bottle or bath. No one tells on someone else every 5 minutes. No one is inconsiderate of my feelings and my responsibilities, because where I want to go, I’ll have none. I don’t have to raise 4 children, when I have 3, making sure my 23 year old husband has clean underwear, is fed, and not late for work. I don’t have to remind this person who is supposed to be my partner, my helper, that so and so has an appointment at this time, and he needs to get a ride to work. I don’t have to ask him everyday for a week did he get a ride. Did he call his dad back? I don’t have to tell him where he put his belt, wallet, keys, phones, grandfather’s number. In my special place, I won’t have to go to a doctor’s office alone because HE hates the waiting. Let me just add how much I love sitting in a waiting room or office for 3 hours. PFFTTT! And you know what, none of my friends ever say "hey, let me take the kids off your hands so you can have a day to yourself, or to be alone with your husband." I think it is very sad that my ex has watched my kids more than any of my friends. I mean, if I didn’t have kids, or just had one, I would try to help my friends out. Even once every 6 months would be a treat. I know I am the one that had the kids, but most people have family to help. I have even offered some people that had their first baby if they ever needed a break, to let me know. Cuz I have been there ya know? I know this blog is just all over the place, but I am in the biggest ’I don’t give a crap about anything’ mood. Some people have their parents to help out with their kids. That’s nice. I wish I did. My dad doesn’t change diapers, and in his own words, "He’s not a babysitter" Then he wonders why I never come around. My grandmother is poor health, my aunts, uncles and cousins all hate me. Because I have 3 kids! Oh no! Yet they can have kids and not know who the father is. One of my cousins lives completely on welfare and does drugs. Another of my cousins slept with his older brothers wife, and his mom caught him smoking at 16 and huffing gas. So she hates me more than any family member. I don’t know what I did to make them all hate me. Perhaps because I have always worked for everything I got?.. Perhaps I have been in one bad relationship after another? Perhaps because I graduated high school, even though I was pregnant and then had a son, and didn’t become a statistic? Perhaps because I do what I have to to take care of my kids? Perhaps because I have never done drugs? Oh  I know! It’s that I live on my own, and  go to college, and take care of my kids, instead of bumming off my parents, or wasting my life away working at Burger King!

So be lucky you have family to help you take care of your family. To be there for you when times get rough, or to have someone to talk to, who understands everything you are going through. I hope you guys all have a great Christmas. Sorry I just let it all out here, but I had no one else.....I am disabling my comments because I don’t want to hear how you guys are broke too, or know what it’s like, or it will get better because right now, they only person I want to think about is me, and my family, and what I am going to do.